Robert Kilroy-Silk has moved in next door. He’s an extraordinarily disagreeable fellow.

Only a day after he had moved in, he painted his front door Dyno-Rod orange. A week later and he had covered his entire house in the stuff. He sneaks round to my doorstep early in the morning and pisses on my newspaper. He is insiting that I change the name of my pet cat to “Veritas”. The fact that I do not own a pet cat seems to have passed him by.

I don’t think we’ll be friends.