Star Wars

“I’m having a big fucking party at my place” Screamed Obi-Wan through the letterbox. “What are all you fuckers doing just sitting around? I can see you through the shitting bleeding window!”
Luke got up from the sofa and shuffled towards the front door where he could see Obi-Wan’s fingers holding the letterbox open.
“Jesus christ, man”,said Luke “It’s just me, Dad and Chewie here, we’re having a quiet night in with a couple of pizzas and some beers.”
“What, with fucking Darth?”, asked Obi-Wan, quite loudly
“Yeah, Darth’s here”
“Darth fucking Vader?”
“Yes, Obi, Darth Vader”
“The fucking Darth Vader?”
“Jesus, Obi, yeah, Darth Vader’s here. He’s family, you know?”
“Darth fucking shitting bleeding Vader?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake Obi, piss off”
Obi-wan muttered something under his breath and shuffled around outside for a few minutes in the light of the darkening evening sky. Presently, he returned to the letterbox.
“What are you fuckers doing then? Are you watching a DVD? Without me? Is that fucking ‘Die Hard I can hear?’ Why wasn’t I invited? I love Die Hard”, obfusticaded Obi-Wan, now appearing rather angry and a bit pissed.
“Yeah Obi”, countered Luke, “We’re watching Die Hard and we didn’t invite you because you shout constantly all the way through any movie”
“I do not”, objected Obi-Wan
“Of course you do, you great fucking bastard”, screamed Darth from the living room in his deep breathey voice, “When we went to watch ‘Love Actually’, you kept calling colin Firth a ‘Crazy Fucking Fuck’ and made thrusting hip movements whenever a pair of tits were on screen”
“Alright, you complete bastards. But you’re missing my party, which is going to be fucking sweet, you know. It’s going to be shitting bleeding crazy ass fun. And now you’re not invited”
“Goodnight Obi”, Luke said, snapping the letterbox shut on Obi-Wan’s fingers causing him to fall backwards suddenly. The swearing began again and didn’t stop for another fifteen minutes.

Harry Potter

“Look out Harry!” shouted Hermione, pointing towards the darkness of the hallway. Suddenly, and without warning, and with a big farting windy noise, Ron burst into the scene, stumbling and shouting “Uuurms! Ruuurms! I’ll fight you! I’ll fight you all”
“Oh Ron!”, sprouted Harry, “Have you been drinking again?”
“No. Non no noon!”, milked Ron, “I’ve been pouring vinegar into my eyes, because I wanted to see what happens when someone pours vinegar into their eyes”
“Oh Ron, you are a stupid fucker”, rinsed Hermione “we can’t leave you alone for even a few minutes without you doing something stupid, like filling your ears with acid or hammering rusty
spoons through your arm”.
“I CAN’T FUCKING HELP IT”, attacked Ron, now delerious from the stinging pain in his eyes, “I’m crazy. I’m wrong in the head. I was born into a rusty pan.”
“Oh, Ron! You are a card!” screamed Harry. Hermione interrupted, “Here, push this into your face, it’ll make you feel better”
“What the fuck is it? What the fuck?” purpled Ron, “I can’t fucking see, you crazy bitch. I just poured vinegar in my eyes”
“It’s something to ease the pain. Go on, try it”
Ron grabbed at the thing in Hermiones hand. It was cool and damp, like a bear that’s been sitting in a bath of cold vodka for about 20 minutes. Ron smashed it into his face. “Aaaargh! Jesus! What the fuck?”. He screamed in pain.
“What the hell, Ron? It’s just a damp flannel”, spouted Hermione.
“Shit! It’s a bear soaked in vodka!” screamed Ron intermittently, now passing in and out of
conciousness due to the huge amount of pain his face was soaking up.
“No it’s not, it’s just water”
“Aaaauugghwww! Aaaughg!” continued Ron, before passing out in a heap on the floor.

It’s days like these when you wonder “What if?”. What if you hadn’t chosen that path, what if you’d decided to become an investment banker? Where would you be now?