I recently discovered that the consumption of tea may have health benefits, several of which may mean that I am now effectively invincible. I went on a search to find out what superhuman abilities the consumption of tea may grant me. After literally seconds of searching, I came upon the first result on Google.

Antioxidants
Tea contains a lot of antioxidants. I don’t know exactly what antioxidants are, but I assume they have something to do with countering the effects of oxygen, which may at first seem like a bad thing considering that I need oxygen to live. After pondering the fact that I have now been drinking a beverage that may cut off my air supply for about 8 years now, I figured this probably wasn’t what it meant. I found out that it does in fact mean that antioxidants protect me from the signs of ageing and pollution. Therefore, I can begin by adding to my list of superhuman powers immortality and the ability to breathe smog.

Tea protects bones
Like the shimmering “protecting-orb” effects that are prevalent in many a video game, including those ones that I cant remember right now and that other one which I probably didn’t even know the name of in the first place, I at first thought that this meant I would develop a shimmering aura from the consumption of tea which would protect me from attacks. Upon realising this was not so, I still figured it was pretty handy having a substance which would effectively protect bits of me from other things, no matter what the other things were.

Tea strengthens teeth
Now this is very useful. I often find myself in situations where it is required of me to perform superhuman feats with my teeth alone, such as hanging from a cliff, or opening a can of processed meat. Now that I have been drinking tea for so long, I imagine I shall now be able to deflect bullets and destroy rocks and stuff with my superhuman gnashers.

Tea increases metabolism
How many times have you found yourself rushing to catch a bus, or to a meeting that you are ten minutes late for, only to find yourself thinking “I wish I had a faster metabolism so I could move at speeds close to that of light”. I know I have. Anyway, I don’t know if that’s exactly what a faster metabolism means, but I figure I’m going to keep drinking tea for years to come in the hope that I will one day be able to run round the whole world in the time it takes for sugar to explode. Or something else that probably takes a long, long time.