Smelge March 30, 2006
Yes, yes it is
Bros March 12, 2006
“What? What the hell do you want?”.I shouted at the door in my usual brisk manner. Someone had awoken me by banging rythmically on it. The noise reminded me of some particularly annoying MC Hammer rythym so I felt that I had to get up to find out what all the fuss was about. It was still dark outside and I had just switched on the hall light so that I could find the keys to open to door and see who was knocking. I hadn’t bothered to look at my watch to see what the time was.
There was a man standing on the other side of the door. In the pale 40 watt glow of my hallway light, I noticed that he was wearing a cheap suit. I know nothing about suits, so it puzzled me that I knew it was cheap. Still, it was apparently morning and I’m generally like that early on in the day. I know things that I shouldn’t. Generally, I dont think about it too much.
“What do you want?”, I asked the stranger. I decided that this was the time when it became appropriate to look at my watch in a startled manner. I glanced at my watch. Startled, I realised that it was 3 am. “It’s 3am”, I said.
“Would you like to purchase a subscription to our newly opened sports and fitness facility just down the road?”. He gestured at some point that, I assumed, was down the road some distance. I didnt much care to look.
“Its only £20 a month, and for you, I’ll throw in a £5 discount, as well as this free Bros CD. Its called ‘Push’ and I think you might like it”. I stared at the man for a while.
“No, no thanks. Really, this whole thing is a little strange. I dont like fitness, exercise or anything involving movement in general and I feel that your offering of a free Bros CD doesn’t do much to persuade me otherwise”.
“Are you sure?”, he said, “Its a very good album”.
“Have you ever actually listened to it?”, I queried.
“No. No I’ve not.”. He seemed defeated by this and sighed, rather sadly I thought, since he had quite a persuading manner and I’m sure I would have bought the subscription had it not been for the offer of the Bros CD. He turned and walked away. I went back to bed.
I’ve Been On Holiday
With only the slightest of fanfare from the meagre crowd of a few hundred people waiting in the damp and the cold, I was greeted as I returned to my home country and set foot off the plane with awe and respect by my fellow countrymen. “Huzzah!” They shouted, “He has returned from his voyage of discovery to impart forth words of wisdom upon us! Let us bow down before his might”. Try as I might to go anywhere inconspicuously these days, my plans for peace and tranquillity are always blighted by the insatiable desire of my adoring public to catch a glimpse of me, if only for a moment, so that they can feel that their everyday lives have been made that little bit more exciting and thrill-packed by it.
For the past week, I have been living in a remote and isolated town high up in the Pyrenees mountain range where I have been surviving on nothing more than a few grains of rice and a cup of water a day. My purpose for this journey was to rediscover my inner self and to find my peace with the world. I feel I have achieved something along these lines although, now that I have returned to the consumer driven world of everyday life, I find the lessons I have learned slipping from my mind.
I slept in a cold, stone-floored basement for the duration of my stay. Every morning, I would be forced out of my damp and squalid bed mere hours before the dawn pierced the freezing darkness with its thin, dusty rays. I would then be marched down to the stable where I would be made to clean and scrub every inch of the place with a damp pipe-cleaner. After a few hours of this rigorous and life-assuring activity, I would be allowed to breakfast on a grain of rice and a thimbleful of water. Feasting on this veritable feast, I thought about all the luxuries I enjoy back home, and how I would cope should I be forced to exist without objects such as a toaster, a microwave and my wind-up Noel Edmonds action figurine.
After breakfast, I would travel down to the local tavern where I would be made to soak up all of the previous nights spilt lager with my eyebrows and at the same time forced to come up with new and fresh plotlines for the popular Australian soap “Neighbours”, which apparently can be sold on the black market for prices upwards of half a million dollars. I, of course, would not see a single penny of this. At sunset, after a long, tiring day, I would be allowed a few minutes rest and I would be given my second grain of rice for the day. I savoured these moments, as they offered me the chance of some respite from my challenging schedule when I could be alone with my thoughts and continue working on that most unsolvable problem – how to find a use for old sandpaper.
My evenings were also a time of great inner discovery. From roughly 6pm until I was permitted to sleep at some time just after 2am, I was employed by the local cinema to watch films. But not any old films, oh no. I was forced to watch all seven Police Academy movies that had been dubbed into German. I learned a lot during this time. Mainly, I learned that Steve Guttenberg is a terrible actor and that my insistence on making funny noises every time I am out with friends is possibly not as hilarious as I have always though
