10:00am Awaken to find that the day has begun and that I have missed a large portion of it.

10:02am Go back to sleep, content that the day can continue its progress without my assistance, although it has been told that if it gets confused it can wake me and request counsel on any matter.

3:16pm Awaken a second time to discover that the day has indeed progressed smoothly and without incident. Leave bed and venture downstairs to prepare breakfast.

5:32pm After a lengthy breakfast preparation and consumption period involving no less than three rather unsuccessful tiger attacks, a visit to the bank to withdraw some more money and a small, balding man named Howard constantly questioning me on the nature of reality, I retire upstairs for my afternoon nap.

8:01pm Having awoken feeling refreshed and greatly enthused by the knowledge that my dreams have granted me (Badgers are nocturnal and the colour green is an aphrodisiac) I proceed downstairs and out of the front door to greet whatever it is that life has in store for me. Today I discover that life has decided to deliver me a signed Gold Disc of the Cheeky Girls first single. Life is good to me.

10:55pm I prepare supper in the usual fashion: Egg, bean, Egg, Sausage, Pie, Egg, Bean, Bean, Bean etc. This process can often last several hours, although the final result is well worth the wait.

3:11am After a tiring day, I retire to bed, safe in the knowledge that tomorrow is, indeed, another day, reality is what reality always has been - my own private adventure playground - and that there is always a good chance of pulling a pair of matching socks out of the drawer, but only after a certain number of failed attempts, I forget exactly how many.

Thank you, that is all.