The spam still pours in, like so much malt whiskey onto the head of a dried Irishman. I’ve decided to make use of this deluge of useless information by turning a couple of items of spam into an interesting and informative story to ease your senses from the constant, incessant noise of the email junk monkeys heeching and screeching their way to (hopefully) an early grave. Spam words are in bold (yes they are).

A Spam Story

“Portends“, shouted the miserable old hag from the upstairs landing. “I don’t know what it means but I mean it all the same”. The miserable old hag had been shouting now for nearly three hours, much to the displeasure of the building’s landladies. Even though the landladies themselves were no stranger to uncouth behaviour and repugnant appearance, the levels of fatness present upon their rotund bodies rivalling anything even a Hutchinson funnel could produce, they were upset all the same. “Oh do be quiet!”, one of them screeched. We are trying to watch the World Cup.

Hardin sat opposite the ladies, across the room infront of the roaring wood fire, petting his faithful costed mug hound. He wished the ladies would just succumb to the elderly howls emenating from upstairs and do something about it, perhaps via the medium of fire and guns and things. For some reason, he then thought this curious phrase : “Emigrants infective beckon! Sommelier“. Quite why, he had no idea. It was all very confusing

In a further update to the world in which inhabits Mr. Kleiner Scientist, MR SCIENTIST has confounded expectations by inventing another vehicle that FLIES IN THE FACE OF SCIENCE by being an unstable piece of arson THAT SCIENCE FORGOT TO NOT INVENT!!

Marvel at the insipid instabilities inherent within the system as Mr. Isaac Scientist attempts to DRIVE the vehicle ACROSS THE LAND in some sort of power fuelled road trip extravaganza WATCH OUT! Next Week : PILES

I am very happy today. I have just confirmed to myself that my life so far has been a glorious success. “Why?”, you may ask. Well, it’s because I’ve just managed to score 9 out of 10 on the BBC News “Summer Weather” quiz, first time around, no cheating

Believe me if you will, doubt me if you want, but I AM YOUR ALMIGHTY OVERLORD BECAUSE I KNOW 9 FACTS! ABOUT WEATHER!

Christ! What the hell? OK, this stopes here. WHAT;S A STOPE? I don’t know. OH NO YOU used a semicolon instead of an apostrophe AND YOUR CAPS USE IS APALLING (that’s not even a word)

“Err” - A place in France
link

“Spouse” - Another place in France. Haha, your town is a wife!
splink

I’ve been getting a lot of spam recently on the comment boxes here. It’s a lot of fun. I like how generic most of them are, just telling me that “I like your site, it is full of nice informations” and then shouting a list of links to sites about boxes, cats, pills, music, magic, violins, violence, fruits, composers, milks, backgammon removal devices, partial nudities, Roy Walker appreciation vases, vernaculars, windows, plums, KORN cds, Belfast, liquids, pants, sounds of buckets falling down stairs, zombies, plants, dead plants, explosions and Texas (not the band)

How dare they enjoy my information site with nice content, thanks I’ll be sure to bookmark it? Bastards.

Oh Noes! Mr Kleiner Scientist is at it again! He’s constructed an unwieldy vehicle out of a bathtub and roadsign and is driving it all around the place like a manic miner looking for love. Will he never end? Will it continue next week? TUNE IN NEXT LAST WEEK TO FIND OUT WHAT!

Oh no, it’s that time of year again, that time that’s never happened before, when I wheel out my copy of Half Life 2 and discover there’s this thing you can add to it that lets you go crazy like. Crazy with the physics! Makin’ and bakin’ and shakin’ all kinds of madness! Bathtubs full of seagulls on fire! Boats and trucks all flying around the place like the lunatics that they are! Rafts made out of scientists and chairs! OH LORDY! Will it ever end?

No. It never ends, simply because it never began. Or something. It’s infinite, like how the universe isn’t. Or might be. Who knows?

Also, if you’ve ever played through Half Life 2, and are a complete geek, then you’ll probably love this. It’s a Half Life 2 comic and, almost unbelievably, it’s not shit! In fact, it’s actually rather amusing in places. Go read, and waste an hour and a half like I did chortling quietly to yourself and marvelling at how sad your life has become. Hurrah!